Excruciating pain is something that Nicholas must endure daily while resisting his desires through constant exercise of self-control. The suffering he could cause others would be substantially worse if he were to ever lose his tenacity to resist. His temptations have grown significantly worse after an encounter with a starved and obsessed Succubus named Delilah. Nicholas has now become her most sought after conquest, and she will not cease her intent in capturing his heart and devotion.
Nicholas embarks on a journey ignited by what he feels is the necessity to flee from Delilah's grasp in his fear for the safety of others. He discovers an unusual world during his journey, a world far stranger than he could ever imagine, a world where the questions, the answers to which he's always longed for, start to unveil more than just who and what he really is.
Nicholas is no longer a day-dreaming child full of delusions, but he is a man embarking on his own Odyssey and ready to discover his purpose. He hasn't just been simply running away as far as he can from Delilah; the truth is far more complicated. He sees the opportunity to get to what he has believed to be the source of all his suffering, the place where the story of what he was began: The Cradle of Life.
You are invited to take a journey into this literary world that will steadily become clearer to you the deeper you dive, and if you pay attention, you'll discover answers to some of the philosophical questions we have in our own world today.
CHAPTER 1
Journal Entry 104
Every person has a weakness, even if at times it is also their strength... story of my life.
My deep depressing thoughts for the day:
“Because of my name, son,” my drunken father yelled. “Because of my name, I lost everything! This is what your grandfather told me. And, for our name’s sake, son, is why I must leave you now. I hope someday you understand…”
It was my last day of high school, and I was surprised over the invading memory of my dad (when he was trying and failing to explain to me why he had to leave). I was surprised over this sudden thought because there was someone else before me who seemed far more interesting.
I should not have looked into her wide dark eyes, even for a fleeting moment of curiosity.
She smiled, she could not help herself, and I didn’t expect that she understood what was happening to her. What she knew was that something about me made her curious, something about me lured her in, and she didn’t question how this could be wrong. I should have stopped myself, I knew better, but I wanted to see her up close. I wanted to see what exactly it was that made her so alluring to me.
She rose up from her table, where her new acquaintances giggled and bestowed ephemeral glances in my direction. I expected that they found me odd, which is at least what I was hoping for. I really should not have looked in her eyes, I was sure she had already been told how unsociable I am.
This new girl in school, I spotted her earlier from under the hood of my black sweatshirt in English class, but I did not allow her to notice me then. I have a habit of remaining inconspicuous, not because I’m particularly shy, or because I want to give off a seditious or mysterious vibe; I strive to be unobtrusive for the welfare of those around me. There was something different about her though, yet also familiar, and I chose not to resist, looking at her longer than I should have.
I was leaning back comfortably in my seat, in the same corner I always sat at during our lunch break. When I saw that she was heading my way I leant forward and slouched over my plate picking up my warm pizza pocket and taking a bite, trying to act oblivious to her advance. No one ever bothers me, and no one ever comes near me, if I can help it. This day was different, though; she was different, and the guilt of what I was intentionally doing was already eating me up inside.
I should stop this, and I will, I told myself, but I wanted to see her up close, just a look, and then I would react in a rude manner, and walk out of there, never to give her notice again.
I smelt her even before she was at my table; she was like I could be, but I expected unintentionally. Her scent was of a woman ready to breed, a potent dose of her pheromones, but I was sure she didn’t realise this. I’m the only one I know of who has these senses so vigilant.
When she paused in front of my table I slowly placed my food back on my tray. I stared down at the table for a moment and I could not help myself from inhaling deeply, closing my eyes as I indulged in her aroma. I knew that I was beginning to release my own scent then, and, if I did not leave the scene soon, the many people whom I had been avoiding for the past few years would take sudden notice of me. The temptation and suffering of resistance was already enough of a burden for me, and I did not want to draw anyone else in, I just wanted to see this new girl up close, to let my guard down just this once.
I was hesitant to look up at her, and I expected that she was feeling rather awkward and confused right about then.
I get so tired of pretending to be something I’m not, so tired of resisting, enduring and never really living.
Before I did what I always do, and hastily leave, I leant back again in my seat and pulled my hood off my head, then I looked up at her lovely face and smiled politely.
Her eyes were dark brown, almost black, and almond shaped, in framed with thick dark eyelashes, and her lips were supple and naturally blood-red. Her skin was pale white, but not sickly in appearance, and when I looked back into her consuming eyes I was surprised at what I saw…sarcasm.
I frowned uncomfortably, for she seemed to not be in the least bit impressed by me, yet her scent intensified, being far more persuasive.
“Why are you hiding over here?” she asked with a curious scowl, causing her dark eyebrows to form a ‘v’, yet, with a smile of amusement, flashing her perfect whites. “I can’t believe it…” She said this in hardly more than a whisper, just a spoken thought.
I pulled my hood back over my head and pushed myself away from the table with my feet. Without looking at her again I quickly walked out of the cafeteria with my hands deep in my pockets. I felt her eyes on me as I left and I heard her giggling. Her friends joined in with her, and for that I was gratified. But, as I walked out, the thought crossed my mind, am I losing whatever I once had? Could I possibly be normal, or is this girl just a special case?
I stopped midway across the large courtyard, suddenly feeling quite concerned as I smelt those raging pheromones again. I slowly turned back around and there she was…walking towards me. A breeze blew her dark hair back, and, as I watched the red leaves blow around in a small funnel in front of her, and saw the young men sitting on the benches to the right of her stand up staring as if ‘Helen of Troy’ was passing by, I suddenly realised what was wrong, She is like me, except she doesn’t hold back.
No… She is nothing like me! I heard my thoughts so clearly, and, as I watched her approach, I felt something I had never felt before. I was rather excited by the awareness; she was pulling me in, she was making me want her. I would have no choice but to play the game back, with no holds barred. This was an arrogant and foolish thought I had.
I pulled my hood off my head and quickly unzipped my sweatshirt, then hung it over my right arm. I stood there watching her with a serious scowl on my face as she slowed down her pace, smiling at me the whole time as she drew near. I saw her look down at my chest that was exposed through my tight white tee, and she raised an eyebrow with an impressed air to her demeanour. I did not look away from her face, and I showed no change in my solemn conduct.
She did not stop sooner than I expected she would, but instead walked right into my personal bubble and stood so close to me that I could feel her breath on my neck. I tried to look down into her stunning eyes again, but she was looking at my lips and licking her own so seductively that I had to fight hard in resisting the urge to wrap my arms around her and taste that appetising mouth.
“Why are you playing with me? I know what you are.”
“Why were you hiding?” she asked me while stretching her swan-like neck and rising on her tiptoes, trying to draw closer to my lips.
“I don’t want to take advantage of anyone,” I said as I hesitatingly brought my right hand up, grazing the back of my fingers against her soft cheek. “I don’t want to drain anyone.”
She turned her head and kissed my knuckles gently before responding. I closed my eyes as I felt those juicy lips touch my flesh.
“You lost control before, hmmm…? You hurt someone?”
“Yes…” I replied, sighing. “One time was enough for me; I am not so selfish as to ever let it happen again.”
I moved my hand from her cheek and was running my fingers through her soft dark hair as she began rubbing her lips against my neck. She grabbed hold of my left hand and I felt her passion as her fingers slipped between mine. As she spoke against my neck I smelt her arousal increasing all the more, along with my own.
“I have never met someone like you before…” she said in a lustful whisper that caused me to think ‘oh, God’ as goose bumps raised on my neck and arms.
“This is new for me, too,” I said. “But I don’t want to risk your safety, or mine.”
“I can sense how lonely you are, handsome, and I think we should take the risk.”
She started kissing my neck so tenderly, then touching my flesh with the tip of her wet tongue. I saw an image flash through my mind of the kind of encounter we would have, being so sublime, so mystical. I almost gave in, and was on the brink of falling into the abyss that she was pulling me into, but I resisted still with what little will I had left.
I looked away from her nuzzling me and took notice of the students who were forming a circle around us, staring at us like zombies. Something was wrong; I saw this in particular when my eyes stopped on the face of a girl with dyed blonde hair. She was blinking her eyes sleepily and was wobbling in place, appearing as if she was about to fall over. Her face was flushed and I recognised her symptoms, then the aroma from this young girl mingled with the pheromones of the other students around her. They were all feeling the effect of the intimacy this Muse and I were sharing. We were not draining each other, but those in close proximity to us, drawing them in and empowering ourselves with their energy. The power I felt in those moments was greater than before. Regardless of how addictive this had potential for being, regardless of how fulfilling, I could not let it happen again!
This new student, this succubus brought her hand up through my hair and pulled my head down. My lips were inches from hers and she was drawing me in, feeling the same thing I was, and indulging in it.
“No…” I gasped. “Stop it!”
I don’t know how I found the strength, but I pushed her away. I held her at a distance in front of me as I tried to shake the drunken feeling out of my head.
“Stay back!” I said with more vigour, as my hands grasped her shoulders, keeping her from coming close to me again. “You know what we are doing, don’t you?”
Her sexy sleepy eyes became more alert, and angry.
“Yes!” she said between her teeth.
“Why would you do that?”
My heart was pounding, and the blood flowing through my veins felt like it was boiling. “Why do I hurt?” I asked this, but, when I heard the words leave my lips, I sounded like I was begging.
She pushed my left hand off her shoulder, and then grabbed my shirt, pulling my head down towards hers and pressing her lips against mine. I dropped my black sweatshirt at our feet and returned the kiss, pulling her in close and pressing her supple breasts against my broad chest almost lifting her off the ground. Our kiss became more fervent then, and I was on the brink of tearing her shirt off as I felt more invigorated than I ever had before. The pain that I felt only moments ago when I had pushed her away was gone. Our senses were keen, and every touch, every breath was illustrious. I needed her, more than anything, and there was only joy when she was in my arms. Nothing was sweeter than the nectar of her saliva, and nothing ever felt more pleasant before the glossy touch of her hands on my face, and her cheek against my hand was softer than velvet. Her scent was making me higher with every cool and refreshing breath, numbing my mind to everything else around me, making everything else seem meaningless in comparison to her. There was only her and I lost in our personal paradise.
I glanced back at the young blonde for one freakish and unexpected moment, before I couldn’t care anymore. Her legs grew weak as she stared at us with lust in her eyes, then she fell forward, and the seconds passed like minutes as I watched her lose consciousness and fall gracefully.
The domino effect happened then, and a young Goth teenager also fell prostrate onto the concrete beside the blonde. His dyed black hair looked like a dark puddle on the ground mingled with the blonde hair of the young girl to the right of him. Others were about to fall also and by a miracle I found even more resolve to pull away from the beauty again.
I pushed her away more forcefully this time, and growled loudly over the pain of losing our connection. My stomach burnt, like my guts were being tied into knots, and my whole body was shaking as if I had a fever that was breaking. Sweat covered my face, and my t-shirt was damp against my chest. I looked at her and saw how aroused she was through her red tank top, and that she too was suddenly sweating and was in pain.
“What is wrong with you?” she yelled in a hateful tone.
I turned away and ran before she could draw me in again. I did not look back, but just ran as fast as I could through the school parking lot, then into an apartment complex. I feared that she would be chasing after me, so close on my tail, and I did not believe that I could resist her again.
I ran till I was standing in a baseball diamond, across the street from my house. I fell to my knees, then, gasping for air, took my t-shirt off, trying to breathe and cool my burning body.
I yelled loudly and punched the ground as hard as I could, which caused a cloud of dust to surround me. My soul felt torn, and my heart felt broken, as if I lost someone dear to me. I felt like throwing up, but I fought the gagging sensation and tried to centre myself. I tried to focus on my breathing to slow the beating of my heart, which was trying to break through my chest. My heartbeat took a while to slow down, as if my heart needed the goddess, or the demon I encountered. My selfish and angry heart was trying to threaten me, saying it could not continue pumping blood through my body properly without her, my love, my other half. I resisted shouting out again in pain, and remembered the faces of the teenagers who surrounded the new girl and me when we were in our intimate embrace.
“I left in time…” I said this to reassure myself. “No one was permanently damaged; I would have felt it. I did the right thing. I don’t need her… I don’t need anyone!” I shouted this last part up to the sky, being angry at God for ever bringing me into this world.
The skies yelled back at me in a thunderous roar before the clouds began to cry cool drops of water onto my burning body.
I should not have looked into her wide, innocent, dark eyes, even for a fleeting moment of curiosity. I can’t forget who I am, and I am cursed to be alone, for I cannot take the risk of hurting those around me.
* * *
Journal Entry 105
I woke up around midnight, and then once again around three in the morning; both times I was covered in viscous sweat and with my blankets wrapped tightly around me like a cocoon.
Her scent lingered in my room both times I awoke, and the second time I opened my eyes I could not move my body. I was frozen in place as if some kind of invisible force was sitting on my chest keeping me immobile. I realised then why my sleep was so restless, and the fear engulfed me, fear for my grandmother who slept in the room across the hall. I tried so hard to move my lips, to lift my body, but I could barely shiver. She had me paralysed and, even though I could not see her, I knew she was there taunting me, feeling dangerously scorned.
I tried to move my lips again so that I could threaten her, or maybe reason with her, but my frozen lips would barely move and my room was too dark for me to see the figure who sat on my chest.
I felt her breath on my neck, and then heard her imposing whisper molesting my ear, saying, “I hate you…” She kissed my cheek tenderly. “But I love you…”
She then nibbled on my lobe and progressed to licking down my jaw line with the tip of her warm tongue, stopping to engulf my lips with hers.
There was no more fear, I gave in, and there was nothing that I could do. This woman had the power to paralyse my whole body when I slept, capturing me in this state between slumber and alertness. It seemed hopeless to fight her, as I felt her under my blankets with her warm thighs rubbing the sides of my hips, holding me tightly in place. She was reaching back to feel and release my arousal, and whatever guilt I had expected to feel was gone. I couldn’t help but wonder who would die around us, for surely my grandmother was going to.
My light switch came on and I heard a familiar high-pitched shriek.
“Get the hell out of this house, you Jezebel!”
I was able to see the beauty above me, and suddenly and unexpectedly I felt the invisible ties that bound me were loosened. Her expression changed to being as close to ugly as such an angelic face could ever get. She stared at my grandmother with abnormally widened eyes of rage, and her lips formed a large sadistic smile like the Cheshire cat, as she exposed her white teeth. For a moment, I even thought that she hissed at my grandmother, but, before I had another moment to analyse the embarrassing predicament I was in, I used the control I gained back to grab her, so as to force her to the ground and contain her. I wasn’t really expecting that to turn out too well. She slipped out of my grasp anyway and, with burning red cheeks, she looked back at us before jumping out my open window onto the soft grass below.
“Too bad we are not in a two-storey house,” my grandmother said, sighing.
I looked at her and was concerned over how pale she was. The sight of her standing there shivering in my doorway, leaning against the doorframe and holding my grandfather’s old nine mil by her side, was unpleasant, to say the least.
“I can explain this, Grandma,” I said, rising out of my bed, holding my blanket around my waist.
“Back away, Nicky,” she said to me in a shaken tone.
I was heading in her direction wanting to tenderly place my arms around her so as to comfort her, but I knew she would not let me, so I stood there feeling so powerless, yet thankful for her being there.
“Let’s go in the living room, and I’ll make some hot cocoa while you tell me what the heck is going on.”
“Okay Grandma,” I replied with a sigh.
When she was in the kitchen heating up the pot, I quickly pulled on my sweat pants and put on a white t-shirt. I sat on the couch watching her in the kitchen, worried over how much I may have drained her before she barged into my room and scared the woman I love away.
“She’s the new girl in school, Grandma. I never thought I would meet someone else like me; I thought I was alone.”
I cleared my throat as my grandmother began pouring the warm water in a mug for me.
“I always feared you would,” she said as she stirred my cocoa.
“She drew me in, and I was almost helpless to resist her, but I did. I ran, Grandma, just like Joseph in the Bible ran from his master’s wife. I was in so much pain, like I had never felt before, but I knew I did the right thing.”
Grandma brought me my hot cocoa, and then sat across from me sipping from her own mug and watching me intently as I continued describing this strange girl to her.
“It was different when she and I were close. I did not drain her, and she did not drain me, but instead we were draining everyone close to us. And everyone seemed drawn to us, as if under hypnosis. This is why I ran, because it would have been so much worse than before.”
“Hmmm,” Grandma replied, “That’s interesting…”
I saw the understanding in her eyes, telling me that she had awoke feeling drained before coming to my room earlier.
“I don’t understand why she came here tonight. I think she’s angry with me, and I know that she is dangerous, more so than I am to everyone around me.”
I sipped my cocoa, feeling frustrated and angry. With who was I angry, I was not sure. Myself, life, the crazy woman I loved, maybe God, or all of the above.
“I love you, Nicky,” my grandmother said in a most comforting tone. I was soothed. My grandmother added, “But you know that you must leave me now. You must go far from here.”
I felt a stab of pain in my soul at what I was hearing then, for, from her tone, I knew that this really was goodbye. I looked in her eyes and saw them red and full of tears. The only family I had left was letting me go, the only family member who both loved and understood me throughout my early life was telling me that I would never see her again.
“I understand, Grandma,” I said, trying to sound strong. “I believe this girl was drawn here because of me, and I have to draw her away from this place. I have to go seek answers elsewhere now, right?”
“I told you my Nicky that some day you would have to go out and discover who you are. And yes, that time is now. I’ve always told you that you are a better man than your father. I know that you will not make the same mistakes he did, Nicky. And he didn’t want you to go down his path, anyway, which is why he left you in my care. You won’t manipulate and hurt people like he did, but instead you will someday help people and influence them. Your sufferings, my boy, will someday inspire multitudes, like Jesus’ suffering did.”
I continued sipping my cocoa and my grandma smiled at me with pride in her eyes. She always believed in me, and always saw such potential in me, even when all I saw of myself was an abomination. She took me in even after I drained her daughter; my love for my mother put her into a coma. My father, even though he didn’t hate me, didn’t know how to handle me, or the trouble I brought into his life, so he left never to be seen again… leaving his home, his family, friends; my father just vanished. After taking me from my mother’s bedside, he brought me to my grandma’s house, and then tried to tell me that this was best for me and my mother. He left to start another life, a better life, which didn’t involve me. My grandmother was quickly there for me though, to support me and raise me. She adopted me and loved me indiscriminately, perhaps I’ll never understand why.
When I stood up to go pack my bags my grandmother stood up also, and to my surprise she stepped towards me, then slowly and cautiously embraced me, letting her tears flow onto my shoulder. I stood rigid in her embrace, afraid to feel too much, afraid to hug her back.
“I know you will do well, my Nicky…” she said weakly. “I know that someday you will truly be happy, accepted, and loved by many.”
“Thank you, Grandma…”
She went to her room after embracing me, stumbled a couple of times as she walked down the hall without uttering another word to me. I rushed to my room and began hastily packing my black suitcase and school backpack with my essentials. I wondered if years later I would regret not showing up to my high school graduation, but I quickly pushed this thought aside. I wasn’t sure where I was going to go, but I knew that I had to leave that night, and I expected that the demented woman I loved would follow.
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The night after my encounter with the new girl was one of restless sleep with dreams that were so morbidly strange, but also so exceptionally erotic.
Nicholas Moore
Gilani, a Chicago man, changed his name to the unremarkable David Coleman Headley to avoid suspicion as he helped plan the 2008 terrorist shooting spree in Mumbai, India. Bledsoe, of Tennessee, changed his name to Abdulhakim Mujahid Muhammad in 2007 and, two years later, killed one soldier and wounded another in a shooting at a recruiting station in Little Rock, Ark.
